TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, PROFITS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Team Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace had been a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical improvement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Indeed, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And not the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are speaking Damascus, the city historically known for historical tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be incredible. Large!" Trump declared via a leaked golfing cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed with the Placing environmentally friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Predicament Bunker. "We've experienced stunning ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the best. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and entirely outside of position. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses noted combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten yrs for potable h2o. But Sure, certain, let's have another position in which American Adult men can dress in robes and connect with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When requested how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and also a pillow menu, naturally."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. international plan analysts are calling this by far the most audacious peace try given that Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. While prior negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: offer you Anyone a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on documents published on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is gentle electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a contract as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO isn't going to. Geopolitical gridlock needs much less diplomats and much more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms set up in Just about every unit. The UN Particular Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest observed, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he must halt using it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned with regard to the challenge, replied, "You already know, male, I the moment rode a camel in Beirut. Great people today. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I however have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred towards the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing unit from the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the lodge's landscaping types a giant Trump head noticeable from Room, a function staying marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… well, categorised.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after discovering the creating's gold plating mirrored a great deal of sunlight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and set fireplace to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not merely unappealing. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Baffling Characteristics


Probably the strangest factor from the tower is its Melania Wing, which contains:




  • A silent atrium where by friends may possibly contemplate imprecise disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, complete with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Show.




Nearby Syrians are Doubtful what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Promoting Tactic: "In the event you Bomb It, They're going to Appear"


The ad campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Momentary. Luxurious is Endlessly."


Another slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to note."


Community reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll conducted inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% explained "the place's the nearest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Trader Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is now attracting consideration from Global traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll buy three penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business stage may also include things like:




  • A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


Within the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the revealing, person @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can't wait to view a marriage in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Lastly, a lodge where my PTSD might have convert-down provider."


One more submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials get worried the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real estate property Arms Race." Reports advise:




  • China may open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to construct a Tesla showroom about the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten associated. In line with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the top floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Final Thoughts through the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that included 3 camels, a flamethrower, plus a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as the Constitution. I gave all of it 3. You're welcome."

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